A Transsexual Man's Story

Many parents struggle when their child tells them they are trans*. A lot parents go through the “stages of grief.” These stages can be tough for everyone. While some parents will be unwilling to learn anything many parents just need some direction and help. So here is a list of books, websites, and other information they might need or that might help them understand. 

Books and Other Reading Material 

• The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals by Stephanie A. Brill and Rachel Pepper [buy on amazon]
• True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals by Mildred L. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley [summary here]
• Mom, I need to be a Girl by Just Evelyn [PDF here] 
• Our Trans Children by the Transgender Network of PFLAG [PDF here]
• Why Don’t You Tell Them I’m a Boy? Raising a Gender Non-Conforming Child by Florence Dillon [PDF here]
• Gender Born, Gender Made: Raising Healthy Gender Non-Conforming Children by Diane Ehrensaft [buy on amazon]
• Helping Your Transgender Teen: A Guide for Parents by Irwin Krieger  [buy on amazon]

Websites and Blogs 

• TransYouth Family Allies 
• Gender Spectrum
• Advocates for Youth “Ten Tips for Parents of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender Child” Page 
• The Gender Center 
• PFLAG TNET
• Mermaids 
• Transparenthood 
• PFLAG Mom
• Mother of a Transgender Child

Documentaries/Television Specials 

• My Secret Self: A Story of Transgender Children 
• Living a Transgender Childhood
• The Story of Jazz
• I Am Jazz: A Family in Transition
• Becoming Me 
• Transgender Children on Tyra [part 1, 2, 3, and 4]

This list is by no means complete. Feel free to add any information or suggestions. 

Something that bothers me a lot is trans men trying to enter lesbian spaces/groups/etc or really any women’s spaces. Partly it bothers me because I don’t want more people to be convinced that trans men “are actually women” but that isn’t the main reason. 

The main reason it bothers me is because men should not try to enter women’s-only spaces. I don’t like when cisgender people attempt to enter trans*-only spaces or when non-POC people try to enter POC spaces. Those spaces are rare and important to the people they are created for. 

I know what it feels like to leave a community behind. I honestly found a lot of support in the lesbian community, both online and in real life. I was a member of a few different lesbian forums and mostly just got to talk to some cool people about different stuff. People who cared. However, I had to realize that it was time to step away from those spaces because I am a man. I am not a lesbian or a woman. I am a man and do not belong in those spaces. Those women are looking for a space to themselves and I am taking that away by being there. 

It’s hard to leave a community, any community, that provided you with support. While I was never a lesbian, I did find help and reassurance there. I found acceptance from older people who acted in a motherly way about bullying and other issues. I found help that I didn’t have anywhere else. I had to leave and it was hard. However, like any other man (cis or trans) I did not belong there. 

So trans men, I urge you to remember that you are taking away something important to a group of people when entering women-only and/or lesbian-only spaces. They are not for you, it might be hard to move on but they are not for you. 

For a while now I’ve been feeling less like I belong in the queer community and more like an ally to the queer community. I know that many people who are trans* do not feel that they are part of the queer community and I’m starting to feel more like that as time goes on. 

This is weird for me not because I think people who are trans are therefore queer (I know that is untrue) but because I used to be very involved in the queer community and now I feel weird leaving that part behind me and unsure if I want to. 

The queer community was all I had for a long time and I found a lot of support. When I was fourteen I started looking for support. I was beginning to tell people about my attraction to women and I needed to know I was not a freak or alone. I didn’t personally know anyone who was queer (or at least out, it turns out some of my friends were queer but in the closet) 

I found an online community but also a community in real life. As for online I was just on a few forums but in real life I was very involved in the Queer-Straight-Alliance at my school and eventually ended up leading the group for about three years. 

I read a lot of books, talked to my friends, found older people in town, attended the very small pride events, and was really immersed in the queer community. For the first time in my life I felt as though I truly belonged somewhere. 

I feel as though I owe a lot to the queer community. I found acceptance and support that I could not get anywhere else and it was great. I don’t feel as though the label “queer” really fits me anymore though and I feel like the further I get into transition the less I’ll feel as though I fit into the queer community. 

That being said I want to provide help for people like me. I want to work at a camp like the one I attended where I was able to meet trans* people and explain my feelings and find some direction. I want to provide that for people but I also want to be stealth. One reason I try to provide advice on here is so I can help people without being out in my every day life. 

If I enter a queer space, I am seen as a straight, cisgender man (unless I choose to out myself) so I am not there as a resource. I want to be a resource so I can give back but I also want to stealth and live most days as a man who is not part of the queer community. 

I no longer feel queer. I did before. I don’t now. I want to help but I also want to be stealth. It’s an odd mix. 

I wonder if anyone else feels this way? Someone who was once part of the queer community but as time goes on no longer feels part of it? Yet, feels torn because you want to give back. I feel very lost with this and have for some time now.

I see a lot of guys being nervous about shopping in the men’s section of clothing stores. I used to be really nervous when I started to as well. As a kid I wore a lot of boys clothes but they were from my brothers. So when I ventured into the men’s section I was really nervous. 

Here are some tips that helped me get over the nervousness. 

1) Shop with friends 

I remember when I was fourteen I set out to buy a pair of men’s jeans. I was really nervous about it though (and had shit fashion sense) so a group of us friends went to the mall and shopped together. Just being in a group makes it easier and people are less likely to approach you. Even though this group had no men in it, we were left alone. 

2) Go to thrift stores 

For some reason, I can’t really say why, people are generally less judgmental at thrift stores and often clothes are just put together with less of a divide between men and women. 

3) Be confident 

Easier said then done, right? But try to act like you belong there not matter what. 

4) Ignore people 

Put in your headphones or do whatever you need to do to keep to yourself. You don’t need to be nice or friendly if you don’t want to be. Sometimes ignoring people is better. 

I hope this helps. I know over time, between passing and just getting used to shopping in the men’s section it got easier for me and I hope it does for anyone else who is nervous or just starting out. 

Questions are always welcome. 

Hey everyone, 

I’ve been collecting a list of clothing (type and/or brand), underwear, and other items around that help me hide my hips, pack, bind, hide my chest, etc. I thought it would be cool to make a big list. 

Here is what I’m thinking: 

If you have something you want to be added either give your advice through and ask or a reblog and I will add it to the list (which will hopefully go up in a week or so) and I will credit you for anything you contribute :) 

An example of what I’m looking for is: 

Bluenotes Cargo Style Shorts are good for hiding hips and curves. 

or 

Wal-Mart velcro, material back brace is a good binder for someone on a budget. 

I was having a hard time figuring out why I felt different being on testosterone. I knew some people had emotional and communication changes on testosterone but I was still bothered by how I felt. I felt like I couldn’t communicate, I felt there no one understood what I was trying to say. It was all very frustrating. 

I talked to my endocrinologist about this. He said that many people in the first six months or so feel the same way. That was nice to hear. It was nice to hear someone validate what I was feeling. 

He explained it like this:

“Remember being thirteen or fourteen. Puberty was hitting full swing and you felt like no one knew what you were trying to say? You felt like you were constantly clashing with people in your life and you didn’t know why? Well it’s happening again but at least this time you have the maturity to realize it is happening.” 

What he said made a lot of sense to me. I do remember being a young teenager and seeing how I communicated with people differently. I no longer talked to my siblings or parents the same as before, we didn’t get along as well for a while, I felt like they didn’t understand what I was trying to communicate. But that passed and so will this. 

I’m re-learning how to communicate. I knew this would happen I just guess  I didn’t fully understand how it would feel. However, having some validation from my doctor has made it easier. Knowing I’m not just being a prick for no reason makes it easier. 

I will never use testosterone as an excuse for being an asshole. If I am doing something out of line I’m not going to say, “oh it’s because of testosterone” because that is ridiculous. It’s because of me. However, I know realize that my relationships have changed because I have changed. Just like I did when I hit puberty the first time. I don’t think this is a bad thing, just something I have to work through. 

Thoughts? Can anyone relate? 

The company I work for protects all people from discrimination and specifically state someone can be discriminated against based on their gender identity. However, the workers don’t all seem to uphold those values. 

One younger guy has said some unfortunate things about someone who is an immigrant and works for us and also two women that might have been dating. 

Today about five or seven of my co-workers and I were eating lunch. The topic of the woman who was denied access to a store to buy her wedding dress. Here are some of the comments made: 

Why can’t he just follow the rules? No guys try on dresses. Pretty straight forward. 

How come those kind of people can have opinions but when I have an opinion about them I’m a bad person? 

I think that people calling for a boycott of this woman’s store is much worse than her not letting some man try on a dress. 

and somehow, which makes no sense, it led to some guy ranting about how Sikh people are allowed to wear their turbins in the RCMP and that isn’t fair 

I didn’t have the courage to say anything. I wish I had. It was interesting after the Sikh comment the guy saw me and looked embarrassed but since no one knows I’m transsexual (which is how I want it to be) it was interesting and hard to listen to them say this. 

If I had more courage I would have said something. I was close to at least telling them to use the proper pronouns and that they weren’t talking about a man, but they were talking about a woman.

If I was more confident I could have corrected them and told them that they were being transphobic and rude. I was so nervous that someone would figure me out or something.

I feel an odd mix of fear of people finding out and guilt for not doing what was right.  

also: anyone wanting the story here is a link 

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2013/05/05/canada-dozens-protest-as-bridal-shop-refuses-to-allow-trans-woman-to-try-on-wedding-dress/

(If you don’t want to read the whole post, the bold really sums it up and explains what kind of advice I’m looking for)

My Dad’s side of the family is super complicated. To put it shortly I grew up with two women being grandmother figures from his family and they are sisters. We’ll call them Grandma B and Grandma J. They are both first generation Canadian with their family being from India. Their first language is Punjabi and while they both speak English and well they don’t know words like “transsexual” “transgender” etc. 

Grandma B was told about my transition through my Dad. I asked him not to tell her until I was ready for the reaction but he went ahead and did it anyways. Now considering he doesn’t really understand what it means this was not a good move. I was not there so I don’t know what was said but the next time I went there she made a point of saying how I was such a “beautiful girl” and needed to start dressing like one. I got frustrated and she ended up saying the next time we saw each other in her house I had to be “dressed like the pretty girl I am.” I haven’t been back in over a year. 

Grandma J doesn’t know. Due to family estrangements and complications I’ve only seen her twice since I was thirteen. The last time I saw her I looked like a guy but she didn’t say anything past the fact she didn’t really recognize me at first.

I need to find a way to tell her. I want to tell her. My father doesn’t talk to her ever. I haven’t seen her in over a year. I look and sound different now. I’m 6 months on testosterone and I really can’t put this off any longer really.

Here is where I need your help: How do you tell someone you are transitioning who doesn’t know what being transsexual even is and is also in her eighties and was raised in a very different society? Any advice? 

*I’m looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation of  either closed minded families, language barriers, or telling someone of a different generation. Thank you*

Just found out my brother is coming here for a couple nights. I have no problems with him being here but he is bringing a couple of friends for one night. 

Which means so much awkward. Even if he doesn’t out me, though he probably will since he had yet to not use my birth name despite claiming he is supportive I am not even slightly comfortable with random people in my house. This means not being able to leave my room without a binder, being concerned someone will walk in on me in the bathroom which has no problem lock/doesn’t even latch shit properly, and general anxiety. 

I know it’s only one night but it still sucks a lot. Maybe I’m being a whiny brat but fuck … not happy about this at all.